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Dam the Holidays

The fireworks are over. The crowds have found their way home, and we are returning to the mundane day to day stuff we call life.

Hello, welcome to my Blog, this is Kris.

She loved these shoes.

I hope you made it through the holidays.  If you have followed my blog, you know that the holidays are my least favorite time of the year.  I hate all that fake happiness and good cheer.  We are so pressured to be joyful. If we are not happy during the rest of the year, Christmas won’t make that much difference.

I grew up in a very poor family filled with drunken relatives, so the holidays never went well.  Even into adulthood I felt that left over feeling of dread and sadness that would envelope me after the shit hit the fan.  Holidays did not represent good times. 

Now a good therapist would say create your own good times, and I try too, but there is still that emptiness inside that says it isn’t real.

It is like that commercial where the lady carries a happy face card on a stick and waves it in front of herself at family gatherings.  No one sees how she really feels.

I call my episodes Christmas affective disorder.  Or to be plain “I hate Christmas disorder.”

Don’t bug me.

To me there is really no purpose to Christmas.  According to many brainiacs it was not when Christ was born so why the fake celebration? They say it is a time to share with family, but the cost is ridiculous.  We need food, gifts, decorations, clothes, trees, and all the other hoopla that goes with it.  By the end I am exhausted and feel empty inside.  I know my daughter-in-law gets overwhelmed trying to do Christmas with her family, her husband’s family, (me and mine), and then her own family.  I mean why do we create such stress for ourselves.  Who thought this up?

I looked up how this whole Christmas thing got started and found some interesting facts. Below is one fact.

For many centuries, gift-giving took place on December 6 around Saint Nicholas Day or in early January after New Year’s Eve. The popularity of this custom grew after the positive reception of the 1823 poem The Night Before Christmas and the 1843 novella A Christmas Carol.

Another fact.  “In 1800s New York, the overlapping interests of middle-class families and the wealthy produced a cultural practice that’s still in place today.  Check out this web site to read the whole article. https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/12/why-people-give-christmas-gifts/421908/

She’s an Egyptian queen.

Fact three, it was really pushed through, promoted, encouraged, all on the tail of commercialism. Big businesses promoted the family theme to “make money.”  ( that’s’ my quote).

You can research the rest of the details if you are so inclined.  I am not.  Suffice it to say that big business invented this great money spending holiday, and it took off like wildfire.

Well, I have had enough.  I am not going to participate again.  I will not go into debt buying gifts that end up in a pile somewhere.  I am done.

What you say?  Yes, I am done with this Christmas crap.  I am going to talk to my family and from now on we will only share a meal together which we do a hundred times a year, and perhaps some quality time. Just like we do throughout the whole year without any obligation to purchase gifts.  Birthdays are the exception.

I bring this up because I know that I am not alone with my Christmas Affective disorder, disorder.  There are many that suffer for months until it is finally over.  And I am here to tell you that it is okay to give up Christmas and Thanksgiving. We won’t even go into that holiday.  You do not have to follow anyone else’s trends.  Do what you want or do nothing.  It really is up to you. 

Turn off the television, forget all the adds for the latest electronics and toys. Most adults would rather buy their own things then end up with some item that they would never have bought for themselves.

I can sing ” memories’ for a peanut.

The idea of making time for your family should be something to reach for throughout the year, not just for two months.  We can love each other, and nurture that love in many little ways all year round.

I get the whole family theme behind the holidays, but it does not need to be tied into monetary things, or obligations.  It should be something you give from your heart.

I love my family; I love my grandchildren.  I think that is the important aspect of all these holiday themes. Family and love.  I shower them with love and gifts all year long because I love creating happy memories with them. 

What I say to you is create happy memories!  If you do not have any family spend time with a friend but do something together.  Play cards, watch movies, play sports, talk, go on an adventure.  It does not need to be tied into a holiday theme.  It can just be a moment of sharing.  Those are what really feel the best anyway.  I cannot tell you how often I have relived and laughed at the silly things my granddaughters and I have done together.  “There” that is the secret behind all the holiday themes, togetherness.

So, for today know that you are not alone.  You are never alone.  You are in someone’s thoughts somewhere.  And for today, have a great day, you and I deserve it. Oh, and have a Happy New Year.

One of my favorite pictures.

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Runner’s High

Hello this is Kris, welcome to my blog cast. I am sorry it has been so long. It is not as if there hasn’t been lots to write about. One just has to view the news to become stirred up. But sometimes it is just too much and talking about the day-to-day stuff seems irrelevant.

Chores and sleep keep me bogged down. I work a lot of nights and sleep becomes the most important part of my day. I get three or four hours, get up, do chores, then go back to bed so I can get maybe four more hours of sleep later.

Despite the fatigue from this schedule, I continue my walks with my best pal Tessie. She is getting old and decrepit and loves to get in her snuffles every day. Okay, I am getting old and decrepit as well.

Today we were walking on our favorite trail. The temperature was 55 degrees. The sun was shining, and it was so lovely for the end of November. Who could ask for anything more?

Hello

While I continue walking the trails, I have decided I will not go on a pilgrimage to Spain next year as there is just too much going on in the world that is unsafe. People are getting crazy. And there are just too many strains of COVID that make me a nervous wreck when I think of travelling. And yes, I have been vaccinated. I do not think it is any worse than all the other childhood immunizations we are required to get. I am a nurse and I know people have died from this dreaded disease, many people, and I think we all need to protect ourselves, and others as much as we can.

Well enough on that, I don’t want to spoil anyone’s Thanksgiving weekend. Besides, I want to talk about something trivial, like the runner’s high you hear people talking about. I am sure you have heard it mentioned. How it is almost better than drugs, but can I ask you have you ever witnessed anyone running that looks like they are on a lovely trip in their minds?

No of course you haven’t! Most runners I see running on my trails look like they are trying to take a good dump. Sorry but it is true. They run along groaning and moaning. Sweating, straining, and spitting snot on the trail as they hurl past me. Where is the high part, I want to ask them? It certainly isn’t evident when they run past. I have not seen one person jogging along with a smile on their face. They look like it is painful. I am sure they feel such superiority as they race by, and I am “only walking for exercise”, but at least I don’t look like I am going to lose my lunch.

I’ve heard the saying runners high, and I’m sure you have too, but my question is when does that occur. As I’m walking along and these runners zoom past me, they have this horrible look on their faces as if they’re in pain, as if they’re constipated. Their feet are slamming on the ground as they hurry past flinging sweat in my direction. If I see them before they zoom by, I give them a wide berth, so I don’t get their body fluids flung on me. How can we know when they are finally high, from running, when they look like they’re dying?

Okay, there may be a smirk somewhere.

To me a runner’s high should present the appearance of being happy. These people don’t look happy and high, they look like they’re on their last leg. I don’t want to get a runner’s high if that’s what I’m going to look.

I know that exercise is good for all of us, and I shouldn’t make fun of people that are out there really trying to exercise, but can you tell me when that high hits you. When on your short or long run do you actually feel happy and relaxed.  Does it really ever happen or is it a myth. From my experience I am leaning toward myth.

I walk at least five times a week with my dog Tessie. You may have seen her pictures in the past. And I can tell you I have never reached a walker’s high. There are some days when it’s lovely out, but the walking part is tedious. I’d rather be laying in the leaves smelling the scent of autumn then walking or running. I usually can’t wait to get home to my couch. I’d rather be sitting with my feet up relaxing although I do love the great outdoors, and the sunshine on my face. Occasionally I see wildlife hiding in the trees and brush like deer and turkeys, turtles too. That does bring a little rush of happiness. I guess you could call that a “ high” as I watch these animals share in my space.

I also love crushing the leaves as I walk, there are a gazillion leaves on the grass right now, it is like stepping on a large pile of potpourri. So, while I cannot admit to any “high” gained from my walks, I will say that it always makes me feel better once I have completed my trek, and Tessie and I share in a cool drink of water. Isn’t that what life is about, finding moments of contentment. It is so important right now in these troubled times to let go of the stress brought on by current events, and differences of opinions. Take a moment to steep yourself in something that brings you comfort and peace. I am not talking about any drugs or alcohol. I am talking about things in nature, music, laughter, and family and friends. How many videos have you see where people share their joy in owning a pet? I love my dog Tessie, she is twelve now, not too much time left, but I will cherish each moment. Find some moments that you can cherish as well, and as I always say, have a great day today, you and I deserve it.

Tessie loves her buddy Hudson

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Strangers From the Great Beyond.

I logged onto Facebook tonight, as I do most nights, just to read the funny sayings, and look at the posted pictures of strangers I do not even know. They stare into their cameras asking me to be their friend. 

They found me because they may know someone, who may know someone, who may know someone that I might know, and I got caught up in the faces looking back at me. Who are these strangers reaching out into the great beyond looking to form a bond with another?   

Who are these unknowns I ask myself?  What do they want?  How did they find me? And what do they want to me to know about them? 

The faces that have posted on my home page come in a variety of shapes, colors, nationalities, age, and gender.  They show pictures of their children, family, lovers, and pets. They garden, cook, paint, dance, and find joy in a large variety of venues, and yet they are so lonely that they reach out to strangers for a connection.

I have had friend requests from people whose countries I can’t even spell.  Their names come up in a language I can not decipher.  Why would they want to friend me?

I must admit that this frightens me. Why do these strangers send their personal histories to so many people who do not have a clue? 

I know more about some people than I ever wanted to know just because it comes up on my page.  I do not ask for this information. They just gladly send it out.  Why?

I know that in this age of broken families, and lost childhoods many people are needing to belong somewhere, to someone, but is the world wide web the best place to establish that link with another?

I say instead of reaching out to strangers, reach out to those lost connections with your families and friends.  How about your neighbors?  Older folks in the community who may not have the internet would love a chance to sit down and talk with someone, in person of course. They need friends as well.  And they are close to home.

We don’t need to reach out to the great unknown to find love, it is right here at home waiting for us to show up at the door. 

I think we reach out to strangers because they do not know us.  We feel safe in the anonymity of who we are in the face of strangers.  We can become who we want to present to the world.  From a distance we can be anyone, from anywhere.  But only those who truly know us, can really love us for just who we are.  And I think that is what we are really are looking for when we reach out on Facebook or other websites.  Someone to love us just the way we are….

So, for today love yourself, then reach out to love someone else, preferably somebody you already know.  And as I always say, have a great day today.  You and I deserve it.

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Fallen In A Hole, Again!!!

There are many holes that get in our way..

Well, as you may have noticed I have been missing for a while. Not a good thing when you are trying to build up your followers, but I fell in an emotional hole for almost a month. Sometimes that happens to me. I just get depressed. There I have admitted it once again.

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you have noticed that sometimes I just go missing. There are times it is hard for me to put on a happy face and make it through the day, let alone share my thoughts. Perhaps you have had similar experiences. Perhaps you too have fallen into a hole.

Usually, for me there is not a real cause. I just get into these funks. A curtain of sadness descends, and I feel sad. My energy level plummets, and I do not want to do a dam thing.

Sometimes life is just too much.  I feel old. I have aches and pains. I want to retire but cannot.  My children do not pay enough attention to me, and my books are lost in the great beyond.

I have read all about starting out as a new author. I have tried all the suggestions, but nothing is happening.  And when nothing happens the self-doubt slams into me.  I start to believe that maybe my messages are not important. That maybe my books are crap.  You know the drill when you start that pity party.  The chatter outweighs your common sense.  And your ability to see the great things going on around you has vanished.

Peek-a-boo!

Sound familiar?  It is normal to feel this way! Yep, sometimes we just want life to be easy. We just do not want to have to work for it. Sometimes it would be nice if someone else took care of everything. If we could just watch television all day. Read a book for days without interruption. Have someone else cooking meals, cleaning the house.

But reality must set in eventually, and we need to move forward. The first step is realizing that you and I are in a funk. Acknowledge it.  Say it out loud, “I FEEL SHITTY.” You can even let the tears flow.  Tears can be such a relief mechanism.  There is no reason to hold back your emotions.  Let it rip. (Safely of course). Do not deny your feelings of depression. And then let go when you are able.

I’ve done this enough times that I know I will come out of it and the sun will shine again. I know this. So, I give it a few days. And then sure enough my mood starts to lift, and I am glad to be alive.

I start by counting my blessings and thank the Lord for giving me another day. You may not know this, but I am a breast cancer survivor. Seventeen years now so I feel guilty when I’m feeling down. After all I could just be a bag of bones right now.

Being a survivor does not mean that I don’t get down in the dumps once in a while, it doesn’t. It does not stop me from being selfish on occasion, and it does not stop me from wanting my life to be a breeze. I think we call that being human.

Beauty may be on the other side of that hole.

But we must not let the depression take control and keep it. We must come out of that dark place at some point. Sooner rather than later. If you find you can’t pull yourself out of the hole go see someone. Talk to a professional. Call a helpline. Talk with a friend and share your feelings with family. And if none of this has helped it might be time for the big guns. You might need medication for a time.

Life can be tough, but there is much in life to amaze us. There is much in life that can bring us joy. We have to let those things shine through even if we do not want too.

If you are in a funk you can certainly write to me, I will be glad to have a chat through my email although I am in no way a therapist.  I am just an old person with a lot of life experience.

Talk to someone if the curtain of depression does not lift after a day or two. Go outside and let the sun shine on your skin. Studies have shown that a lack in vitamin D can affect our moods.

Breathe in the fresh air. Let the curtain of sadness rise. And for today have a great day.  You and I deserve it.

Let’s go out and walk together.
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“Oprah Winfrey: Where is Oprah?”

Hello, this Kris, welcome to my Blog Cast.  Today I want to title this.

“ Oprah Winfrey: Where Are You?”

Today’s topic is powerful people. Who would you name as one of the most powerful people in the world?  What name comes to mind when you hear those words?

When I think of powerful people the first person that comes to my mind is not a leader of any country. Not our president. Not some diplomat.

It is Oprah Winfrey. We all know that Oprah is one of the most influential women alive.  She survived a hard childhood to become one of the most powerful women in the known world.

I could give your lots of statistics about her standing in the world. About her wealth, but I will not.  Let us agree to agree that she is number one.

And there lies my problem.  How can I reach a person that is so far above me that I am like a piece of sand on the beach somewhere?

I have a story to tell. I have had many stories to tell. I have tried numerous times to reach out to Oprah to no avail.

I have searched many of the websites that list how you can get in contact with famous people, but all they want is your money to join their club, with no guarantee that you will really contact the person of your dreams.

I want to reach out to people like Oprah because they have the power to help me get my story heard. I have several stories to tell, and I do not know how to reach the people that need to hear the stories.

Endless journey

How do you reach someone who is unreachable? How can I have a moment of their time when there are so many others reaching out and grasping as well.

I admit that I feel bad that I am grasping at straws, invading their space, excuse me, trying to invade their space, when they have a right to live their life in peace.

But I think with power comes the responsibility to acknowledge the little guy.  I believe with the wealth, fame, and the comfort of their life they should have an open mind. and a kind heart toward others who are struggling.

Let me stop here and shout it out to the world that Oprah has done amazing things for many people. I would never want to take that away from her. I applaud her.  If there was one person alive that I would like to be like, it would be Oprah.  

I am not a conceited person. I am not a guru of any kind. I am just a woman of 70 who has survived many things in her lifetime, who wants to share her journey with others, in order that it might lighten their load as they make their journey.

I have sent out books. I have sent out emails. I have looked at websites galore trying to find a way to reach out to Oprah, and others of her level of esteem to ask for their help, and in return all I have heard is silence.

Long ago I reached out to Oprah when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer.  I had just quit my job of 21 years to go back to school to get my nursing degree.  I left a great job, with great health insurance, to become a student with terrible health insurance, struggling to support a 16-year-old son, while going through chemotherapy and radiation.

During this time, I was working, going to school, being bombarded with toxins, and trying to survive to reach my goal of becoming a nurse. I reached out to Oprah, and I reached out to Ellen, we all know Ellen, with the hope that they might want to hear my story. That they might want to follow my journey and see if I survived.  In reality I was hoping for divine intervention as I was scared to death.

I had no idea when I first started my cancer treatments if I would survive. If I would finish my journey and become a nurse.

Well, I have survived, and I want to tell that story and reach others in  the hope that I may help them.

Into the silence came silence.  I never heard back from Oprah or Ellen.   I never received any acknowledgement that my plea was heard.

It was heartbreaking to not hear from these two wonderful women. I felt like I did not matter. I felt sad that neither of them felt my story was important enough for them to hear.  I felt degraded because I had knocked at their door, and no one heard me knocking.

Many years later I wrote my book on surviving breast cancer, titled  Screw Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Take Action Now. The New Mantra. The Controversial Rantings of a Breast Cancer Survivor.

I wrote my book with the desire to encourage others to take action rather than wait and see as I did. I listened to all the health care providers as they told me “ let’s watch, let’s wait.” 

I listened to the breast specialist as she told me it was “nothing, nothing, go to school.”   Sadly, I have known many others who have died from cancer while they were “watching and waiting.”

My book is small. Less than 120 pages, an afternoon read, but it has a very powerful message.

The book has been available on Amazon for almost a year. I still send out emails to television stations, newscasters, and others. I have sent out copies to nursing schools and media giants hoping they will see value in my book only to receive back empty silence.

It is heartbreaking to be caught in this void of emptiness. It brings tears to my eyes that nobody feels my story is worth their time.

Well, I have another story.  A new story.  One that has lay hidden for sixty-two years.  It is a nightmare that has haunted me my whole life.  It is a story that others need to hear.  It is a truth that needs to reach others so they can tell their stories.

Would you like to know the name of the ghost who has haunted me my whole life?  Would you like to know who the monster was that caused endless nightmares for years?  Who the person was who left his little daughter with her heart filled with sadness for all of her days? 

That ghost is my father as he molested me when I was eight and a half years old.  That story has lay hidden, not to be revealed, until I wrote my book “Shattered Trust A story of Incest.”  Both of my books are available on Amazon.

After writing my book on my breast cancer experience and continuing to be haunted by the waves of sadness that slammed into me at the oddest times.  I decided that I would write my story in the hope of releasing the demons that haunted me.  I had not decided to release the story in book format, but once I had written the words, I felt I needed to share the story. 

Again, I have reached out to Oprah many times trying to find someone who is able to share with her or suggest to her stories that she might find noteworthy. Again, all I hear is silence. 

I need help in reaching others.  I am an unknown.  I am a speck of sand in this great big world of the internet.  Help me reach her so that she can hear the stories, and perhaps be willing to share my stories with others.

Both stories are of survival although I never thought of myself as a survivor until I wrote my books. 

One of the statistics that I found states that every 9 minutes a child somewhere in this country is being molested by someone they know and trust, possibly someone they love.  

Every 9 minutes somewhere in this country a child is being molested by someone they know and love. But I say those statistics are wrong because we know that most cases of incest and rape go unreported.  Most victims do not tell their stories. Most cannot bear the telling of it.

I have decided it is time for my story to come out even though it has been sixty-two years (this summer) since the incest happened.

No one can tell another when to release their story.  Recovery takes as long as it takes.

So, I want to ask, where is Oprah?  How can I reach out to her? Who can open that magic door and let me inside?  Will she ever be reachable in an unreachable world?

I am sending this out into the clouds hoping that someone will be able to help me share this story. If there is anyone who has an ear to the grapevine or a door to the garden of hope. Please help me.

I am not a Prince or Princess. I am not a famous newscaster. There are no stars surrounding my image.  I am just someone with a story to tell who hopes to help others release their stories to the world as well.  Stories that may put our demons to rest.

I have this blog and there is a contact page for anyone who wants to reach me. I would love for someone to reach out and tell me how to talk with Oprah.  How can I send her my books and get my stories into her hands?  May the walls of silence crumble and fall so that a gateway will open to the magic that is Oprah.

It is hard for me to ask people for help.  I do not usually reach out to others.  I like to pretend that I am strong and able. But today I am asking for help. I am going to send this blog piece out into the clouds once again. Out into the empty space. I hope it will travel through the universe hitting its target.

One thing you may not have noticed about me in reading my blog is that I always try to look on the bright side of things. I always lean towards looking at our blessings.

And for today I am going to say that if you have something that you want to share, if you have a dream then reach out as well, do not let fear stand in your way. The one thing that we can all do is try, try to get our story told. Try to make our dreams come true.

Do not let fear get in the way. Do not let life stop you. Do not become saddened by the silence that may greet you, but continue to tell your story so that somewhere the echo may be heard. Maybe someone will hear your voice.

And I will end this as I always end, with my heartiest wish that you may have a great day today, because you and I  BOTH deserve it. And thank you for listening.