I am going in a totally different direction today. I want to talk about a topic that I have never spoken openly about in the past. I had an epiphany the other day while I was browsing Facebook, and I want to share this new perspective in the hope that it may change your perspective as well.
Many of us react in a certain way when our daughters or sons reveal to us that they are gay. The first thing to come to mind is the sex part. “How can they have sex with a woman or man of the same sex?” I know when I my daughter first revealed to me that she was leaving her marriage of ten years for a woman she had recently met, I was shocked.
I could not believe that she was attracted to a woman, and that she was willing to change her whole life over this attraction. I was mortally wounded that she would disrupt our lives, and selfishly thought only of my feelings under the guise of worrying about the family.
I grew up with a certain perspective about life. About what direction our lives should go in the whole scheme of things. Shock slammed into me along with a bit of cardiac pain over the fact that my daughter could be gay. I wondered where this came from. I asked myself had she always felt this way. I wondered about her sanity at leaving her family behind to live a life as a gay woman. Need I say there was a barrage of questions that screamed through my brain along with a load of disappointment.
It is hard for me to admit my initial feelings. I tried to hide my true reactions under a mask of acceptance. I could not understand how she could feel this way, how she could let it lead her astray, and how she could leave her life behind. A life that I thought was fairly good. Let me say it again, the life I thought was fairly good. And there lies the dilemma.
Parents, to include myself, have a certain picture of what we want our children’s lives to be as adults. There is wealth, of course. There is success, naturally, and there is stardom. Never do we see them being anything else. We have lofty goals for them, and when this does not happen, we are let down. I would never have guessed that my daughter was gay. She hid it so well.
I spent years puzzled and questioning my daughter’s sanity because she left behind a “good life” with a husband who made a ton of money, a nice home, and a wonderful child, to live a life of uncertainty. I honestly hate to admit that is how I felt, but I must admit to it, to explain my new perspective.
Life is more than a sexual act with another, it is more than sex between people. There is so much more to a relationship then just that physical part. I am not saying the physical part is not important, because it is, but what each brings into that relationship is so much more vital to our sanity, and well-being. Many couples have stayed together “ for the children” only to find that their children were miserable the whole time.
We should not judge people, let me backtrack and say, I should not judge others by some label that has been applied to them or any group of individuals. We are seeing this so much in the news right now. It is toxic and deadly.
I need to put this in perspective for me. I must not judge others by what I think or how I feel they should live their life, so that it fits into my idea of a good life.
I had an epiphany recently, which is unfortunate it took me so many long years, regarding my daughter and her life. You see my daughter and her partner often post pictures on Facebook, and one day this revelation came to me, and that is that she is in a great relationship with Ali, her partner.
Their pictures are full of fun, good food, and great family moments, sadly I am not in them. What the pictures reveal is a lot of happiness and joy in their lives. What parent could ask for anything else for their child?
We get so caught up in what we expect life should be, and the labels we embrace that we miss the whole picture. Then we miss the real life behind those labels.
My daughter’s pictures demonstrate how much she and her partner care for each other. They are always together having one adventure after another, and that is so wonderful. Many of the pictures show them surrounded by lots of friends and family.
I will admit here that my granddaughter, my daughter’s daughter, has a wonderful relationship with her mother, who was involved in every phase of her life, up to and including this present moment in time.
The epiphany was the realization that Ali and my daughter are meant to be together. That they each fill a void in the others’ life.
Our goal in life, our real goal, should be to be the best person that we can possibly be with the time we are given. With each encounter with another person something is gained. An exchange occurs, be it good or bad. I really believe that there are no coincidences in life. We are meant to meet; share what we have to share, and then move on or not. It is our gift to each other.
Each interaction happens for a reason, I really believe this. The people in our life are there to help us become better humans. We choose whether we are going to learn this lesson.
When I looked at my daughter’s pictures what I realized was that perhaps their connection is meant to help them feel loved, confident, secure, and safe in a world that can often be unsafe. They are fulfilling a necessary role in each other’s lives.
Who am I to judge them, or anyone for that matter? How dare I feel or think that their way of life, that their choices are wrong. Our goal is to be better people, and I think they are the greatest. That can never be wrong.
When I see those images they posted, I feel such happiness for my daughter and her partner for the joy they have found in each other. I am thrilled for her that her life appears to be good, that she is happy in her relationship, and that she is satisfied in her life. That is more than many people can say about their lives right now.
We want our children to accomplish great things, but what does that mean? Are we saying we want them to have a wonderful, high paying job that may not necessarily be filled with happiness?
Do we want them in heterosexual relationships that might just be shitty because that “other word” is not to our liking?
Or should we hope that they find happiness and become the best they can become, because that is what I hope for my children, and grandchildren. I want them to find great people, really great people to help make their lives happy.
When we look at our kids and their significant others, we need to ask are they kind to each other, are they considerate, do they respect each other, are they supportive, are they a help mate or an abusive mate? That is the question!
Each connection that we make with another happens for a reason whether it is a millisecond, hours, days or lifetime. We are together for a reason, and we should ask what lesson there is to learn in this relationship. What gift can I give to this human?
There is a story about a doctor and a homeless man. I will tell it, but I am not going to write it down. And here it is. …………..
Is it a true story, I do not know, but the message is clear. We do not know what our influence on another might be in that moment we are together. We should make it the best moment for both of us. Hopefully, we will walk away feeling a little better having met. If not, we have failed as humans.
I hope that my moments with others are good ones. My daughter’s life is not about who’s gay or who’s not gay or who’s having sex or how they’re having sex or any of that, but instead begs the question, is she a good person, sharing her life with good people? That is my real goal for her, and it looks to me like she has accomplished that goal.
I want to say when we are judging people, judging their lifestyle, we need to ask ourselves what am I really judging here, my ideas of life, or theirs? We need to ask how can we look at them differently? And, the most important way is to ascertain that they are good human beings. That is more important than any label, name, or category we could possibly place them in. I am sure you have heard this saying “I may not remember what you said to me, but I will remember how you made me feel.” I for one want to leave you feeling a little better for having met.
To my daughter I want to say “I am so proud of you.” You are a wonderful person, and I love you so very much.” And to everyone else I want to say thanks for stopping by and HAVE a great day today, you and I deserve it.
