sadness Archives - Life Views 101

August 11, 2023August 15, 2023

What You See

Hello, this is Kris. Welcome to my blog. It has been quite a while and I must apologize. There are no excuses, only things that got in my way or distracted me from talking with you.

Sadly, I lost my sister recently. Her death came quickly, we only had two months to prepare, but considering her condition of health, and the cancer that was devouring her, I can only say she’s in a better place. If they let her in that is (that was her kind of humor.) When the hospice place first rejected her, she said, “it’s because my foot’s not far enough in the hole” and actually at that moment she was correct. Six weeks later she was gone.

I brought some of her little belonging’s home with me and throughout my house are little reminders of her. We lived quite a distance apart, over 1000 miles, but we saw each other almost every year so we stayed close and had many adventures.

I was the one who had to go through all her belongings and clear out her home to prepare her estate or should I say to prepare her mobile home to be sold. She had lots of little special collections that she loved and had gathered to herself over the years. Pretty little things that brought her happy memories. Collections of stuff that didn’t mean much to me or her friend but were special to her. Some of those little bits and pieces I brought home not because I wanted them but because they were part of her happy memories.

Most of her things went to charity which broke her and my heart. She couldn’t believe that all her cherished mementos meant so little to others. I did not have the time to stay around to find a good home for them. Sadly, out the door they went.

After her passing I was suddenly hit with the realization that I am the last of my family. Of course, my parents are gone, I’m 72, but now so are my siblings. I am the last of the litter. That is a scary feeling and brings home the age factor to me. As I told my son, I’m no spring chicken. Now I must admit it.

Something that I came to recognize as I put my grubby mitts in her cupboards and drawers is that sometimes we develop preconceived ideas about others. We look at people, form impressions of them by what we think we see, and sometimes miss out on who that person really is. What we think we know about people is a one-sided notion and the impressions may not even match who that person is before us. It is like looking at a flat piece of paper. We only see one side. We don’t see the whole book. We don’t see all the pages.

I believe we are influenced by our life experiences, who we love, how we love, and how we grew up and formed our personality. There are so many sides to our stories, but people only see one side, the side we want them to see, not the other pages and layers. We are one dimensional in our inclusion or exclusion of others. I can honestly say that I don’t think we know most of our family and friends as well as we think.

When we look at a stranger, let’s just say someone we think is well off and doing fabulously because they may have everything we desire in our life. We may feel envy or anger at their advantages. We may be jealous of their good looks, their obvious good luck, but what I want to say is that what we see of each other is only the outer shell of who we are. We do not see the inner self, the things that have occurred in that person’s life, the things that may have been done to them or all the people who have been a part of that life unless they have shared that story.

We can look at a person and assume by the way they behave and the way they are dressed or how they live if they have been lucky in life. We can assume through appearances that they have probably never been mistreated, but instead given all the luxuries of life. But what we may not know is if they have been depressed, suicidal, or abused because we really don’t know what is encased in that shell. The life events that have meddled and meshed to form who they have become. We are so much more than what is seen by others, we are not just the things around us.

Regarding myself, I keep secrets. I don’t always tell the truth when others ask how I am. I don’t let people see what has come before. And, I have very few in my life who know “my” whole story.

What I wanted to bring to your attention, and what has come to mine, is that we don’t know all the bits and pieces that are there when we look at someone. They may have a wealth of money, and a lovely home and car, but their life could be the shits for them. Maybe they grew up with terrible parents. Maybe they had a terrible childhood. Maybe their school years were terrible, or they were bullied. One thing is for sure, they survived all of that to become who we see before us.

When we look at you at each other we really don’t know what is there and I suggest we pause and analyze what we see when we start to judge others. That person we see is the bits and pieces of all their life events, and all their reactions and feelings to those life events.

I know that as I sit here, I’m surrounded with all the stuff I thought I wanted and needed, but as it turns out it is just a multitude of useless items that should I die in this moment nobody would want. When I was going through my sister’s belongings it broke my heart to see all the things that she had saved and collected, pictures she had and things that honestly meant nothing to me. Things that mean nothing to the one son that has survived her.

What I discovered is we don’t need all this stuff around us. I certainly don’t need all this junk I have collected over time. And after being at my sister’s I’m going to clear out the cupboards in my house because I do not want my children to have to go through the things that they could care less about or want as part of the death process when I pass.

I can honestly say that the real things that are the most important and will be the most important to each one of us is the time we have spent together. The laughter we may have shared, the pranks and jokes we’ve told, not the stuff that sits around and fills our empty corners.

If I was going to offer one bit of advice, and I am, it is that it is our connection with people, with our family that is the most important aspect of our life. We need to focus on creating happy, wonderful memories with each other, not buying another trinket or doda that will just be thrown in the trash when we turn to dust.

I’m not a wizard, brainiac, therapist, or anybody who has the right to tell you what to do, I’ve just lived 72 years of life experiences, and come to realize that I need to stand quietly and observe and appreciate my network of friends and loved ones more than all the things that surround me.

We’ve all heard the line “tomorrow’s another day” but I say stay in this moment, be present now, be present with the people today that are in your life and let them know through your actions and words how much you appreciate them, how much you love them. At the end it is not the stuff, but the people we will miss the most. And as I always say, have a great day today, you and I deserve it.

March 31, 2023March 31, 2023

DEATH IS COMING.

Greetings, this is Kris, welcome to my blog cast.

Today’s topic is a sad one. I hate to admit it, but I don’t always feel real peppy and motivational. You see there will be a death soon in my household. Now for some of you who have never loved a pet you may not feel sympathetic towards me, and that’s okay. But those of you that have travelled this path know the heart break coming my way.

If you have been following along with my blog you know that Tessie, my lovely old friend, has been with me for some years. She has filled my heart with joy and laughter as I hope that I have filled hers. When people ask me what kind of a dog she is, I tell them Hawaiian, as my son got her when he was stationed there before going to Iraq.

Tess has been a part of our lives for thirteen years, and mine exclusively for eight. This lovely dog and I have grown old together. As for me I am not too decrepit yet, but Tess is not doing well.

You see her poor old body is full of “fatty tumors.” Things they can do nothing about, and I have watched as they have popped up all over her body. The worse are the ones I can’t see as she gets breathless, stumbles when she walks, and sometimes she just stands there like she is waiting for something to happen.

When she came to live with me, she became the motivation for both of us to get outdoors and walk. Together we discovered this wonderful park area not far from where I live. I didn’t even know there was such a wonderful place until we started our walks and explored the neighborhood.

We quit walking there years ago as I discovered another area that was much larger with many more trails, you may have heard me talk about the Shunga. But yesterday we went back to our old haunt as my poor little car would not start. My SUV is too hard for Tess to get into so a dear friend gave me an old Toyota echo so that she would not have so far to jump as we head out on our adventures.

Due to the death of this little car we returned to our old trails, our old pathways, and it brought tears to my eyes as I remembered finding this area when we first came together.

This haven is 43 acres of trees and grasses with little trails and ravines. Over the water are lovely bridges and fallen trees that let us take pause along our journey.

Over the years we have seen deer, turkeys, ducks, great big beautiful hawks, and once a gorgeous coyote. It’s amazing that as we began our walk Tessie remembered exactly which trails to take and followed the old paths we had trodden before. It was so heartwarming.

The tumors on Tess have gotten pretty large but they don’t stop her from walking. She loves her walks, she loves to snuffle. As I said, sometimes she gets so breathless we must stop and let her catch her breath for a minute. I don’t know how many breaths a minute a dog is supposed to breathe, but she is like a little train puffing away.

Despite all of this she’s an inspiration to me. Even when she is having difficulty, and probably some pain, she just keeps taking that next step. She keeps going which should remind all of us to take that next step forward as well and keep going.

We need to move past the pain and suffering because we do not know what tomorrow may bring. We do not want to miss an opportunity to see a beautiful landscape or feel the warm sun on our skin or miss having the cool breeze touching our face. Nature can be such motivation to keep going.

One thing I have noticed when I walk outside is that it is very noisy. The birds are chirping and singing to each other. There are woodpeckers hammering away, dogs barking in the distance, and the wind rustling the leaves in the trees. Not a quiet place, but a soothing, healing place. Some days I just want to lay down and embrace the earth it is such a gift.

Tess has been my companion for a long time, and I don’t think she is going to make it to the end of the year. It is the hardest thing for me to watch knowing that at some point I may have to put her down to ease her suffering. I pray every night that the lord will take her in her sleep so that she will not suffer, and I will not have to make the decision to end her days. It is tough one as many of you know.

I have already decided I don’t want any more pets after Tess is gone because at my age the only thing that’s in my future is who will go first, me or the pet. I have felt great love for this old dog, and we have had many enjoyable trips along our favorite paths. Soon it will end, and we will only walk in spirit along our favorite trails.

She never chased the other creatures, we were quiet observers.

There is a lovely story that Andy Andrews, a motivational presenter tells about his wife and their family dog. Every time his wife enters a room the dog gets so excited and happy wagging its tail and smiling at her. The wife in return hugs the dog and gives it little scratches. If the wife leaves the room again as soon as she returns the dog acts like she has been gone forever and gets all excited again, getting hugs and scratches once more.

Now Andy said he asks himself “why his wife didn’t treat him that way when he came home or entered a room”, and his response was, “because I don’t treat her the way our dog treats her, and that is with great joy when she enters a room, always so happy to see her.

Maybe we should treat each other like we have been apart for a long time and are filled with joy and love once we set eyes on each other again. Do you think it will make you or them feel better? Of course, it would.

All around us there are motivational things to soothe and relax each one of us. Things to fill our hearts with joy. We just need to open our eyes to what is there.

Did I mention she can be a coach potato.

If you are feeling down watch some YouTube videos. There are millions to choose from. They can certainly lift your mood. Listen to some gentle music. Look at nature videos. There are apps galore that provide calming nature sounds or music.

There was a study done where people just looked at a fireplace with a fake fire going and they reported feeling warmer just by watching. I have one of those fake fire heaters. You can use them without the heat on and it is very soothing watching the colorful flames bouncing about.

Sometimes we have to step away from the chaos in our life and there are so many ways to do that to help ourselves feel better. We don’t always recognize the feelings of the stress burdening our bodies until we let go. Step away, embrace something wonderful. Then you will feel it, you will feel the tension that was hardening your muscle, tightening your chest, making it difficult to breathe. We get so use to those feelings that when we let go it is like we are floating on air.

One of the best tools in my life to help me push away the chaos has been my sweet Tessie. I am so glad that she has been there with me. When her time comes, I will shed many tears of sadness, but I will also be filled with gratitude for our time together. I know that soon she is going to be gone. I hope it will be an easy passing. I dread the time will come when I may have to make a choice to intervene. Say a prayer for me and her that she will go in her sleep so that our parting will be an easy one. If you have a pet snuggle them close, just stroking their fur can lower your blood pressure and ease your pain. Love all the beings in your life, animals, and humans. Each is a gift we should cherish. And as I always say, “have a great day today, you and I deserve it.” ( she loved her girls,)

January 9, 2022January 9, 2022

Dam the Holidays

The fireworks are over. The crowds have found their way home, and we are returning to the mundane day to day stuff we call life.

Hello, welcome to my Blog, this is Kris.

I hope you made it through the holidays. If you have followed my blog, you know that the holidays are my least favorite time of the year. I hate all that fake happiness and good cheer. We are so pressured to be joyful. If we are not happy during the rest of the year, Christmas won’t make that much difference.

I grew up in a very poor family filled with drunken relatives, so the holidays never went well. Even into adulthood I felt that left over feeling of dread and sadness that would envelope me after the shit hit the fan. Holidays did not represent good times.

Now a good therapist would say create your own good times, and I try too, but there is still that emptiness inside that says it isn’t real.

It is like that commercial where the lady carries a happy face card on a stick and waves it in front of herself at family gatherings. No one sees how she really feels.

I call my episodes Christmas affective disorder. Or to be plain “I hate Christmas disorder.”

To me there is really no purpose to Christmas. According to many brainiacs it was not when Christ was born so why the fake celebration? They say it is a time to share with family, but the cost is ridiculous. We need food, gifts, decorations, clothes, trees, and all the other hoopla that goes with it. By the end I am exhausted and feel empty inside. I know my daughter-in-law gets overwhelmed trying to do Christmas with her family, her husband’s family, (me and mine), and then her own family. I mean why do we create such stress for ourselves. Who thought this up?

I looked up how this whole Christmas thing got started and found some interesting facts. Below is one fact.

For many centuries, gift-giving took place on December 6 around Saint Nicholas Day or in early January after New Year’s Eve. The popularity of this custom grew after the positive reception of the 1823 poem The Night Before Christmas and the 1843 novella A Christmas Carol.

Another fact. “In 1800s New York, the overlapping interests of middle-class families and the wealthy produced a cultural practice that’s still in place today. Check out this web site to read the whole article. https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/12/why-people-give-christmas-gifts/421908/

Fact three, it was really pushed through, promoted, encouraged, all on the tail of commercialism. Big businesses promoted the family theme to “make money.” ( that’s’ my quote).

You can research the rest of the details if you are so inclined. I am not. Suffice it to say that big business invented this great money spending holiday, and it took off like wildfire.

Well, I have had enough. I am not going to participate again. I will not go into debt buying gifts that end up in a pile somewhere. I am done.

What you say? Yes, I am done with this Christmas crap. I am going to talk to my family and from now on we will only share a meal together which we do a hundred times a year, and perhaps some quality time. Just like we do throughout the whole year without any obligation to purchase gifts. Birthdays are the exception.

I bring this up because I know that I am not alone with my Christmas Affective disorder, disorder. There are many that suffer for months until it is finally over. And I am here to tell you that it is okay to give up Christmas and Thanksgiving. We won’t even go into that holiday. You do not have to follow anyone else’s trends. Do what you want or do nothing. It really is up to you.

Turn off the television, forget all the adds for the latest electronics and toys. Most adults would rather buy their own things then end up with some item that they would never have bought for themselves.

The idea of making time for your family should be something to reach for throughout the year, not just for two months. We can love each other, and nurture that love in many little ways all year round.

I get the whole family theme behind the holidays, but it does not need to be tied into monetary things, or obligations. It should be something you give from your heart.

I love my family; I love my grandchildren. I think that is the important aspect of all these holiday themes. Family and love. I shower them with love and gifts all year long because I love creating happy memories with them.

What I say to you is create happy memories! If you do not have any family spend time with a friend but do something together. Play cards, watch movies, play sports, talk, go on an adventure. It does not need to be tied into a holiday theme. It can just be a moment of sharing. Those are what really feel the best anyway. I cannot tell you how often I have relived and laughed at the silly things my granddaughters and I have done together. “There” that is the secret behind all the holiday themes, togetherness.

So, for today know that you are not alone. You are never alone. You are in someone’s thoughts somewhere. And for today, have a great day, you and I deserve it. Oh, and have a Happy New Year.

June 26, 2021July 2, 2021

Fallen In A Hole, Again!!!

There are many holes that get in our way..

Well, as you may have noticed I have been missing for a while. Not a good thing when you are trying to build up your followers, but I fell in an emotional hole for almost a month. Sometimes that happens to me. I just get depressed. There I have admitted it once again.

If you have read some of my previous blogs, you have noticed that sometimes I just go missing. There are times it is hard for me to put on a happy face and make it through the day, let alone share my thoughts. Perhaps you have had similar experiences. Perhaps you too have fallen into a hole.

Usually, for me there is not a real cause. I just get into these funks. A curtain of sadness descends, and I feel sad. My energy level plummets, and I do not want to do a dam thing.

Sometimes life is just too much. I feel old. I have aches and pains. I want to retire but cannot. My children do not pay enough attention to me, and my books are lost in the great beyond.

I have read all about starting out as a new author. I have tried all the suggestions, but nothing is happening. And when nothing happens the self-doubt slams into me. I start to believe that maybe my messages are not important. That maybe my books are crap. You know the drill when you start that pity party. The chatter outweighs your common sense. And your ability to see the great things going on around you has vanished.

Sound familiar? It is normal to feel this way! Yep, sometimes we just want life to be easy. We just do not want to have to work for it. Sometimes it would be nice if someone else took care of everything. If we could just watch television all day. Read a book for days without interruption. Have someone else cooking meals, cleaning the house.

But reality must set in eventually, and we need to move forward. The first step is realizing that you and I are in a funk. Acknowledge it. Say it out loud, “I FEEL SHITTY.” You can even let the tears flow. Tears can be such a relief mechanism. There is no reason to hold back your emotions. Let it rip. (Safely of course). Do not deny your feelings of depression. And then let go when you are able.

I’ve done this enough times that I know I will come out of it and the sun will shine again. I know this. So, I give it a few days. And then sure enough my mood starts to lift, and I am glad to be alive.

I start by counting my blessings and thank the Lord for giving me another day. You may not know this, but I am a breast cancer survivor. Seventeen years now so I feel guilty when I’m feeling down. After all I could just be a bag of bones right now.

Being a survivor does not mean that I don’t get down in the dumps once in a while, it doesn’t. It does not stop me from being selfish on occasion, and it does not stop me from wanting my life to be a breeze. I think we call that being human.

Beauty may be on the other side of that hole.

But we must not let the depression take control and keep it. We must come out of that dark place at some point. Sooner rather than later. If you find you can’t pull yourself out of the hole go see someone. Talk to a professional. Call a helpline. Talk with a friend and share your feelings with family. And if none of this has helped it might be time for the big guns. You might need medication for a time.

Life can be tough, but there is much in life to amaze us. There is much in life that can bring us joy. We have to let those things shine through even if we do not want too.

If you are in a funk you can certainly write to me, I will be glad to have a chat through my email although I am in no way a therapist. I am just an old person with a lot of life experience.

Talk to someone if the curtain of depression does not lift after a day or two. Go outside and let the sun shine on your skin. Studies have shown that a lack in vitamin D can affect our moods.

Breathe in the fresh air. Let the curtain of sadness rise. And for today have a great day. You and I deserve it.